The Warrior, not the War

One thing that I've learned is that politics, policy, and war do not necessarily make pleasant bed fellows. I have met a lot of people with a lot of different things to say about the wars and foreign policies adopted by the U.S. government. With such a sensitive and polarizing topic, I thought I'd offer my thoughts, as a U.S. Veteran, on this subject.

The politics of war are not hard to decipher. Being strong on national defense, homeland security, and appearing to be "pro-military" are considered safe places to land if you are somehow involved in politics. Unfortunately, the politics of war are always going to be present and will play a hand in the decision making process, which doesn't necessarily bode well for the policy of war. The policy behind war is much harder to nail down.

During the debacle that was the ramp up to the invasion of Iraq, it was told to us that there was irrefutable evidence that there were many weapons of mass destruction (WMD) that were potentially vulnerable to being sent to people that intended to do us much harm. After all of that, it is hard to believe now anything that I hear about this. Based on my experience in the military, I find myself asking so many questions...

Is the problem still in Afghanistan? Is it in Pakistan? If it is, what is being done about this on the Pakistani side? What about financial aid that is being sent to either of these countries - including the issue involving corruption? What about the emergence of Al Qaeda in Yemen? If Yemen is a direct threat, why aren't we at war against Yemeni terrorists? Or are we already? What actually constitutes a threat to us? How can we fully buy into a war that went unattended to for many years due to the lies of our government in trying to sell the invasion of Iraq? When we went to Iraq, I was on board because I couldn't see how our government could ever make such up front lies about what we were looking at, in terms of the threat we faced. How could we trust, as a citizenry, the word of many of the same individuals today?

It's hard. I'm not anti-war, under proper circumstances. I'm not anti-military, and I'm not a extremely "left" person. What am I then? I'm devastated that thousands of us had to die in a war that was EXTREMELY unnecessary by every account I've seen. I'm pissed off that I feel like I can't trust my government when it comes to war, because now it seems that "last resort" is a term that you hear but don't see practiced. I'm angry that the media doesn't help keep American's on task because of the agendas that they pursue - which apparently don't include objective reporting. I'm sad because I don't know if it will ever get better.

You don't have to blindly support war because you're a Veteran, or because you're a (insert party affiliation here), or even because you don't want to seem un-American. There are patriots of all shapes and colors, and it's okay if you're not necessarily co-signing the actions of our military. What I would like is to see people not question the patriotism of those that dissent to the idea of war. I would like to see people not make assumptions of those that have served during these wars, and assuming only the worst. We are not indiscriminate killers, nor are we the ones that make the decision to send us there.

It's about the warrior, not the war. Separate the two, respect each other, and remember that freedom isn't free. Lives are lost, families are broken, and futures are changed every day. If you're a religious person, pray for the troop, and the families. If you're not religious, put good "vibes" out for those that you don't even know. Most importantly, the children of our troops need their parents, and spouses need their significant other to come home unharmed.

Fight well, and hope for peace.

Dear Gracie

Dear Gracie,

The days have turned into weeks, the weeks now a month, and I feel like it was only yesterday that I was fighting for space in my bed. What I wouldn't give for that problem tonight.

I think that saying goodbye this time around has been harder than any other, except for the first, and I've struggled with understanding why this time was so hard. Maybe this time has been so hard for me because it all happened too fast. You were here, and then you were gone. The seemingly countless discussions on where you were going to live were too much for you, and too much for me. I tried so hard to reassure you that no matter what you wanted to do it would be OK with me - and I can see now that I was the one that needed reassurance.

Talking about something that is so hard to talk about isn't fair to you, and I know that. I'm so desperately in love with you that I sometimes can't see you for the child you are. You're still my baby, and at the same time I feel like you're much older and wiser than you really are. I hope that you're doing better now than you were doing then. Me? I'm not doing so great. I find myself tearing up just thinking about the times we'd spend together. I still struggle with how things played out, and how fast saying goodbye to you came and went. There will be a time when maybe all of this will make sense, and I'll look back at it and it won't feel so terrible. I am scared for that day to come, because if the day ever comes that having you here doesn't hurt more than anything I've ever felt than a part of me must have died, and I don't want that to happen.

It's happened before, and it took Mommy/Miyumi/Kelly to bring me back from the edge. Lonliness and indifference are two things that I've learned to adapt to, and I don't want to be that person anymore. I just want to be whole, and I only feel truly whole when I hear your voice in your room, or hear your little steps down the hall. I don't even go into your room anymore because it hurts so much that you're not in it. I keep asking myself why does this have to happen to me, and I know that there isn't really any answer for that. For all of the people in the world that don't give a shit about their children, here I am, only wanting to be with mine, and I don't have that right.

I can only hope that one day our time will come. I hope so much that you'll see me for the parent and person that I am, and that you'll find home in our house. Until then I can only sit here and wonder what you're doing, wonder if you're happy, and wonder if you ever think about me like I think about you. I miss you so much, I hope that in your life you never have to feel the way I feel whenever I think about you.

I love you.