My long goodbye

Well, today Grace hit the road with her mom back to Washington. Such a smart, loving, and beautiful child. What a lucky father I am. I spent much of last night crying over the fact that I was going to be missing out on so much of Grace's life during this next year, and rightfully so.

There is few things in the world that rival seeing genuine happiness on your child's face. When I see Grace climb up to the top of something that neither of us were sure she could reach, or when she figures out a problem with her "homework" all on her own; those are the truly satisfying moments in my life. Looking at her eyes light up and the smile that comes across her face as she discovers something little or big about the world that she didn't know before beats the hell out of all of the other shit that we find time to worry or complain about.

Sometimes it is also the things that she says that can warm and break your heart at the same time. Last night she was looking at us a little overwhelmed as to why we were crying. She thought that maybe it was time for her to go, because "we had so much trouble with her". She was referring to the hard(ish) time we had recently had with her behavior, which I think may had been associated with her upcoming departure. This little 5 year old girl actually thought that her behavior was the cause of this coming change. No matter what you tell a child, they can only comprehend the comprehensible. I couldn't even comprehend it all for my own sake.

The point that I wanted her to take from this, was that her daddy does cry too; and that it was normal. I wanted her to see just how much we loved her, and that even though something was happening that we didn't want; we still wanted her to be happy. I wanted her to know that I was crying because I knew I was losing something; and that something was her. I needed her to associate that moment to all of the times I have told her I loved her; and that it really was the truth each time I said it.

I expect that she may only make this connection subconsciously, but that's OK with me. If she knows, she knows. I woke up this morning (Monday) with a heavy heart. I knew this was the last time we'd wake up together for a long time. I knew this was the last time we'd have what we had at that moment; for months. I just tried to appreciate that I was there with her. She is singularly and simultaneously my source of pride and purpose in the world. I only wanted to remember everything about her as she was at that moment, and not worry about what is to come for either of us.

Her first word, her first step, her first of just about everything; I've been there for. That time is seemingly over. Her first day of school. Her first time reading. Her first time writing. The changes she will experience as a kindergartner; and so much more will escape my watching eye. I will never get to participate in those memories. I won't even get to have them. This is my reality. What is life other than the memories that we have, and the experiences yet to come? It is equally a question of "why me?" as it is a question of "why her?". She deserves everything.

For me, saying goodbye started last night, and ends with the realization that tonight there is no life in her room, and no little body in our bed. Dinner time will be a little lonelier with that empty space at the dinner table. Everything changes from here on out. Goodbye my baby, I'll see you when you get home....