It was also hard because I was afraid if I didn't see her she would forget who I was. It sounds crazy but when you're dealing with this for the first time it is scary, and hard. Then there is the task of reintroducing her back to our way of life and my rules and expectations. One thing you never stop being afraid of is will she take away all of the lessons in life and guidance that I want to pass on to her?
My biggest regret is the life that she has had to live, and will have to live. She will be exposed to Mom vs. Dad for most of her entire life; be it from the outside or her own internal conflicts. No child should have to travel state lines to see her parents. No child should cry because she misses one parent or the other. No child should have to deal with the complexities of divorcee life that Gracie has been exposed to. Especially my child.
So as I fret over all of the struggles I may not be able to foresee and protect her from, I do my best to tell Gracie that I love her all of the time. I catch myself trying to teach her things about life that a 5 year old probably can't comprehend because I'm afraid that she won't learn them if she doesn't learn them from me.
The truth is that there is nothing I can do, short of Gracie at some point choosing to live with her daddy. I can't control her mother or anyone else in her family. I can't control what they choose to teach her, or what they choose not to teach her. I can barely control her, and she's 5 years old!
If I focus on controlling this, I'll never be at peace. I understand that, but it is so hard to act on this realization. I'll continue to do the only thing I can; show her that I love her every day. I will, because I do. So here I am, 10 days away from yet again saying goodbye.
That's the thing about these goodbyes, they only get harder.
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